I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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