We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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