break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize