i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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