a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
