i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
