proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
