i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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