ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
