i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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