I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
