How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he shaved USA in his pubs
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
