I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
