i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
