is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
