Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
