Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
