i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
