dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
