The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
