Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
