Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
