I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
