I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
