just survived the first fart of the relationship.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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