No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
