Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
