If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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