Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
