I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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