I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
