thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
