I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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