At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
