party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
