come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
