bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
