can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize