I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
