Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
