I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
