my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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