wrigley field is MILF paradise
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
only if we run a train.
done.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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