It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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