I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
