I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
