have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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