She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
