He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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