they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
