oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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