Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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