id be glad to
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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