we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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