you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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