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The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
