My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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