We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
