Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize