it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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