he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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