Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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