A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
