that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
