He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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