There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
