If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
