what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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