How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
