cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
