y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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