why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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